The Feel Of Guilt
by MiyukiShinodaMindFreak
Summary: Kira misses Gin. He thinks & wonders so much about his lover. Kira X Gin pairing from the thired point of view.


Miyuki's babbles/Disclaimerr: Konnichiwa! I was bored of 3 hours of Physics. Got home and read a Japanese doujinshi of Kira X Gin(mind you, I didn't understand a thing as I could ONLY read Hiragana and only small bits of Katakana & Kanji). An idea popped up in my head. This is a part time thing as I can't seem to get any ideas to finish up my other two fan fictions(OH NOEZ!). Anyway, I rated this as Kt as there isn't much 15++ contents in this. Have fun reading and yeah, I don't own Bleach or else yaoi couples would be canon in the anime & manga.

HAJIME

_Admiration_

Admiration is the word ever since he had his eyes on that _taichou_. Admiration for that _taichou_ is what that drives him mad. Admiration is the thing that made him determined to be the helpful _fukutaichou_ of that particular _taichou_. Admiration is something that made him bleed in his heart so much that he felt weak and shaky without the presence of that _taichou_.

Being the fukutaichou of the Third Squad made him feel superior of his position in the _Gotei 13_ and at the same time being the helpful assistant of the man he admires so much.

What was it about this _taichou_ that had a hypnotic spell on this blonde _fukutaichou_? If one was to describe this taichou, one would clearly state that this man has silky poker straight silver hair and is the proud owner of a cunning grin; similar to a fox. Apart from that, one would also be curious about the way he talks, the fact that he is not bothered much about cutting short most of his words in such a way that a grammar teacher would die of shock. But other than that, most would feel inferior of his signature fox grin.

Those descriptions were just plain to anyone but to blonde _fukutaichou_, there was something more than the silver hair and the cunning fox grin. That man was a _taichou_ of the Third Squad before he left mysteriously to Hueco Mundo with Aizen Sousuke and Kaname Tousen. But still, a _taichou_ is a taichou. What was more than that? Admiration for that man, clearly stated. The reason? A huge unknown to others but only this blonde has the answer.

Izuru Kira, the blonde man, isn't the kind of man to clearly express his feelings. He isn't stoic either. It is just he is the type who hardly speaks and rarely shows his expression. In a summary, Izuru Kira is a rather shy person.

He had always fancied Ichimaru Gin before he joined the Third Squad. He thought that Gin is an intelligent man who has the ability to get away from anything without suspicion. Short to say, Kira is attracted to his intelligence alongside with his cunningness.

Surely, there has to be more than that, right? No doubt there are more. Gin was a rather approachable person. He seemed friendly with some of the _shinigami_ from the other squads, especially with Sousuke and Tousen. In other words, Kira likes Gin for being quite social able person.

It would be wrong to consider Kira as an anti-social person because he does have friends such as Shuuhei Hisagi, Abarai Renji and Hinamori Momo back at the academy but he was the quiet one of all and until today, he is a silent type of person.

Apart from that, Kira could actually feel a strong bond between him and his _taichou_. Kira felt happy helping out his captain running the Third Squad in an orderly manner. He could feel the chemistry between him and Gin. His face would feel hot and his face reddened when Gin got too close to him.

Lastly, Kira loved Gin's sword skills. The ability of Gin to use his weapon to protect himself and the Third Squad was admirable to every member of the squad and no doubt, especially Kira.

_Affection_

Affection for him. Love for that man that he admired so much. The word 'love' was the word that he wished he could say it out loud to the _taichou_ to express his affection for that man. He wants to feel the love from his beloved captain. A love that only the both of them could experience and share that no one else would feel the same as what they experience.

Izuru Kira, as clearly stated, isn't a professional at expressing his feelings and thoughts openly. There are pros and cons behaving that way but this became his flaw after he realized that it was too late for him to speak out when Gin finally disappeared from Soul Society for eternity with Sousuke and Tousen.

Affection for his taichou made him a sane being but after the horrible incident, he felt deceived by this feeling. The affection for his captain was so strong that it drove him mad as time passed without his presence. He was longing to be in his _taichou_'s arms and feel the heat from his body to remind him that he was safe and sound in that man's arms.

Love, as said, is what Kira wanted from Gin. An unusual love but to Kira, it was something very dear to him.

_Deception_

Deception was more like it. Deception because the man he admired had left him just like that with a bad intention at the back of his mind, faking an excuse for his actions. Kira denied that Gin had a bad intention just like Aizen Sousuke but deep down, he felt a strong feeling of being deceived.

Deception made him tear apart from his colleague, Matsumoto Rangiku. The both of them got into a duel due to Gin's lies. Kira defended his _taichou_. Rangiku could lucidly see Gin's deception. The deception that drove Kira insane.

Kira could not believe he had been cheated and left like that. He felt his heart weaken when news about Gin, Sousuke and Tousen had left to Hueco Mundo.

_Wounded_

Wounded heart, literally speaking. Wounded mind, a spiritual plague for him. Scars left unattended but painful in his paranoid state of mind. He could feel the wound enlarging as time passed.

Izuru Kira sat on his futon, his knees to his chin. He body was compressed against himself as he stared blankly at the dull wall opposite him. Night had fallen and as he counted, it was the tenth day since Gin left Soul Society.

He wasn't physically injured but mentally, he was. Kira blamed himself for not expressing his feelings to Gin back then. This painful act really gave him heartache.

He regretted not being more attentive to Gin but he was still torn apart between placing his faith on Gin or believing what others were saying about Gin.

Kira could feel himself weak all over and his eyes were beginning to water. As a salty drop of water trickle down his right cheek, he bit his lower lip.

Tilting his head up, he reached out his hand as if calling out to Gin while muttering, "Gin…"

More salty drops of water trickled down his cheeks. He pulled back his hand and buried his face in his knees and muttered, "I love you, _taichou_."

OWARI

Miyuki's final words for the story: I know the story's too short but I thought of keeping this deep and personal. There isn't much dialogue but it was supposed to be more of a descriptive/narrative of Kira's feelings and thoughts from the third person's point of view. I couldn't exactly remember the detailed events from the Soul Society Arc but this is the best I could do. I love GinKira and this is my first tribute for them. I feel like writing more about them but I have two major fan fictions to finish and I am stuck right now. T_T Click the button to express your thoughts. Criticism allowed but don't take the advantage of flaming if you're in a bad mood.


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